looking up

today is a good day.

i had a checkup with my primary care physician this morning, & everything is looking healthy & normal. i can't even begin to describe how good that feels. to say that i feel utterly blessed beyond compare by my adoring, Heavenly Father is a gross understatement.

you know, it might be kind of weird, but the only place i can really talk about this kind of stuff is on my blog, otherwise i'll start crying like the pansy-ass that i am. but i can't help it! every time i think back to the vomiting, the fevers & shivering, the visits to the ER, and week-long hospital stays, and thinking of how scary that whole ordeal was (not knowing what was wrong with me, being told night after night that i'd be able to go home the next day only to have the cycle of fever & nausea return the next morning), i can't help but tear up when considering what my life is like now.

i'm acting again. i'm working out & feel stronger than ever. i'm able to eat almost anything i want without fear of getting ridiculously ill. and i am so elated at the turn of events my life has been taking lately.

i'm growing up. and as truly terrifying a prospect as that is, i feel ready for it because i know that my Heavenly Father is going to be with me no matter what. as cliche as it may sound, he truly will not give me anything i can't handle, and because of this illness, i understand that a little better now.

the lowest point i've ever felt was the third or fourth night i was in the hospital (for the second time). one of my doctors had just left the room after telling me they still didn't know what was wrong with me, and that i'd have to stay another night. my family members, too, had vacated the room briefly, and i was able to be alone for a little while.

i remember staring up at the cross on the wall next to my bed and just crying. i'd thought that i'd finally figured out why God had given me this disease, and that everything was going to be ok, only to have it all ripped out from under me by one visit from my doctor.

i can't recall a time i've ever felt so truly alone.

i was so frustrated and upset with God for letting me go through all i'd gone through only to be told that i'd have to endure it even longer. i had lost hope, and my faith, though still standing, was under severe attack. but as the days went by, and i was overwhelmed by the onslaught of prayers, well wishes, & sage advice from the most vivid display of Christ's love personified in the form of my family & friends, it became easier to accept the fact that i don't need to know every why behind what happens to me, and to truly understand that sometimes God puts us in severely shitty situations in order to make us stronger. and i truly believe i've become a stronger person because of all i've gone through.

as truly awful as all of the crap that comes with this disease can be, God has been with me, and continues to stay with me, the whole time, holding me and caring for me, even when it felt like he wasn't there.

c.s. lewis said it best, "i know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. you are, yourself, the answer."

God is love.

love is all you need.

my beginning philosophy class would therefore conclude that:
God is all you need.

amen & amen.
mjl.