but the greatest of these is love

I love everyone.

Or, at least, I try to.

It can be a difficult goal to aim for, but, hey, Jesus managed to love the bastards who tortured & murdered him so I guess it won't kill me to make more of an effort to love the Mercedes driver who cut me off in traffic or the know-it-all in my cast who knows how to play everyone's part better than they do. However, in a world filled with unloveables (your's truly ranking quite high on that list), there are some people who not only make it easy for me to love them, but they make it a pleasure for me to adore them.

Mon joies de vivre.

People who make this writer flee to her thesaurus because phrases like "beautifully wonderful" & "truly amazing" are lackluster bits of drivel that can in no way describe the true beauty & perfection that these people have attained in her eyes.

People for whom I would lay down my life without a moment of hesitation.

People who make it a little easier for me to understand our Heavenly Father's indescribably powerful love for us.

People I absolutely and legitimately LOVE.

I feel so fortunate to have these people in my life, and I've realized I should probably make more of an effort to let them know how I feel. So New Year's resolution #1:
live out the love I feel for the phenomenal people in my life
Here's to the new year.

♥
mjl.

martin martin martin

i'm Lutheran.

Martin Luther: Leader of the Reformation and Inventor of the Snuggie

due to my frequent proclamations of my love for Lutheran doctrine/liturgy, carefree irreverence towards life, and belief that coffee and donuts after church are the third sacrament, this fact should be about as surprising as me saying i'm German.

i really do love being Lutheran, though. because although Lutheranism may carry a lot of heavy foam reminiscent of Catholic mass during some of our services (i.e. liturgy, creeds, etc), once you sip past it all & get to your creamy & delicious mocha underneath the foam, it basically provides, what i believe to be, the simplest and most true to scripture route to get to Heaven which is faith in Jesus Christ.

no need to live a specific lifestyle, wear certain clothes, pray to certain saints, have a certain amount of children, go confess to an intercessor, or feel burdensome guilt over what you've done...just admit when you've done wrong & ask forgiveness of the one person who really matters, and you're good to go.

there's a pretty succinct and accurate summary of the Lutheran doctrine called the Five Solas, which reads as follows:


sola scriptura - sola fide - sola gratia - solus Christus - soli Deo gloria
scripture alone - faith alone - grace alone - Christ alone - glory to God alone
although it looks a lot longer than what i said earlier (just having "faith in Jesus Christ"), it's still the same principle, just empowered by the specific parts that embody it.

scripture alone - the Bible is the inspired Word of God: a source through which He has chosen to reveal Himself to us, his people. it is therefore the source of any Doctrine and is accessible to all (not just priests & elders)

faith alone - faith in Jesus Christ, not good works or anything else, is the only way to achieve Salvation. this doesn't mean Lutherans believe that good works should be thrown out altogether (obviously living a life that is "pleasing in God's eyes" is something that one should strive for & naturally want when walking in a healthy relationship with Him), just that they're not at all necessary to earn God's love or salvation.

grace alone - the Salvation we receive comes strictly from God's grace. it is absolutely and unquestionably an unmerited gift that we haven't earned or deserved in any way, but receive anyway because of his undying love for us. (take that all of you denominations & religions that say you have to do this, wear that, & say this to earn God's favor & salvation because there's not a damn thing you can do! God's going to love you anyway, so HA!) it's a little humbling, i suppose, to have to admit that you're basically crap at your core, but shouldn't be too shocking a revelation since mankind, although absolutely capable of being loving, selfless, and kind, is, in its essence, a sinful & selfish race. this should also be extremely heartening, though, to know that God adores you in spite of your flaws and still wants nothing more than for you to be with Him in paradise.

Christ alone - Jesus is the only way to Heaven. he's also the only mediator between us & God since He was both human & divine, which means no pope, preacher, saint, or virgin can bring you any closer to God because you already have a direct and loving relationship with Him all by yourself.

glory to God alone - pretty much what it says, and similar to the grace alone principle. all glory in life is due to God alone. any good that we do is not because of our own talents or accomplishments, but because of the gifts God has given us. again, very humbling, but true nonetheless. besides, mankind needs to be taken down a peg or two on the whole ego front anyways. on the whole, we're all far too pleased with ourselves. when i was younger, my dad used to let my sisters & i sit on his lap & "drive" down some of the back alleys behind our house, which basically meant we had our hands on the wheel while he did all the real work, but to my sisters and i, we were the drivers. that's how i view the relationship between us & God when it comes to our accomplishments in life...we can hardly boast in anything we do when we're being completely guided & steered the entire way.

and there you have it! Lutheranism 101. take it or leave it if you don't like it or agree with it, but now, at least, you have a little bit of an idea behind what we believe. and really, from what i've heard from friends and others in other Christian denominations, it's pretty chill in comparison with a lot of other stuff out there. we're not big on the whole guilt for your sins thing since we understand that, on a cellular level, we're born to screw up on a daily basis.

like martin says, "sin boldly".

don't live life in fear of God's wrath, rather live in the peace & joy of His unending love for you.

amen & amen.
mjl.


Be a sinner and sin boldly, but more boldly have faith and rejoice in Christ.
- Martin Luther -

looking up

today is a good day.

i had a checkup with my primary care physician this morning, & everything is looking healthy & normal. i can't even begin to describe how good that feels. to say that i feel utterly blessed beyond compare by my adoring, Heavenly Father is a gross understatement.

you know, it might be kind of weird, but the only place i can really talk about this kind of stuff is on my blog, otherwise i'll start crying like the pansy-ass that i am. but i can't help it! every time i think back to the vomiting, the fevers & shivering, the visits to the ER, and week-long hospital stays, and thinking of how scary that whole ordeal was (not knowing what was wrong with me, being told night after night that i'd be able to go home the next day only to have the cycle of fever & nausea return the next morning), i can't help but tear up when considering what my life is like now.

i'm acting again. i'm working out & feel stronger than ever. i'm able to eat almost anything i want without fear of getting ridiculously ill. and i am so elated at the turn of events my life has been taking lately.

i'm growing up. and as truly terrifying a prospect as that is, i feel ready for it because i know that my Heavenly Father is going to be with me no matter what. as cliche as it may sound, he truly will not give me anything i can't handle, and because of this illness, i understand that a little better now.

the lowest point i've ever felt was the third or fourth night i was in the hospital (for the second time). one of my doctors had just left the room after telling me they still didn't know what was wrong with me, and that i'd have to stay another night. my family members, too, had vacated the room briefly, and i was able to be alone for a little while.

i remember staring up at the cross on the wall next to my bed and just crying. i'd thought that i'd finally figured out why God had given me this disease, and that everything was going to be ok, only to have it all ripped out from under me by one visit from my doctor.

i can't recall a time i've ever felt so truly alone.

i was so frustrated and upset with God for letting me go through all i'd gone through only to be told that i'd have to endure it even longer. i had lost hope, and my faith, though still standing, was under severe attack. but as the days went by, and i was overwhelmed by the onslaught of prayers, well wishes, & sage advice from the most vivid display of Christ's love personified in the form of my family & friends, it became easier to accept the fact that i don't need to know every why behind what happens to me, and to truly understand that sometimes God puts us in severely shitty situations in order to make us stronger. and i truly believe i've become a stronger person because of all i've gone through.

as truly awful as all of the crap that comes with this disease can be, God has been with me, and continues to stay with me, the whole time, holding me and caring for me, even when it felt like he wasn't there.

c.s. lewis said it best, "i know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. you are, yourself, the answer."

God is love.

love is all you need.

my beginning philosophy class would therefore conclude that:
God is all you need.

amen & amen.
mjl.

if you were wondering...

reasons i'm blessed (as of Monday, November 22, 2010):

- i didn't get a ticket on friday for my California roll through a dorm stop sign
- i WILL end up being able to direct/act in the play i wrote (which is going up at The Empty Space this February & March)
- i'm pretty sure i nailed my Judicial Powers Under the Constitution final this morning
- my professor said i can send my paper in late, as long as i get it in one way or another, which is awesome cause i lost my prompt & wasn't sure what exactly i was supposed to write on, so i was going to just accept my zero & move on, but now i have a chance to still get some credit for it :D
- my mom just bought peanut butter pretzels from Costco
- i was cast in New Kid (the traveling children's show at CSUB)
- the kid's show is double cast & kamala put cody & i together for our cast :DDD
- my friends are kind of amazing
- i get to spend quality time with my wonderful family this week when we go up to San Jose for Thanksgiving
- mark's paying for us to go to a Blackhawks/Sharks game while we're up there :D
- last time i went to the GI, he said my blood tests show that I'm no longer anemic & that all of my inflammatory markers were down :DDDDD
- Jesus loves me

so overall, life is pretty swell right now. i'm so so so so grateful to God.

peace 'n' blessin's,
mjl.


ps...i'm currently an expert on state/federal governments' powers to tax/spend as well as what they're constitutionally allowed to regulate as far as inter & intrastate commerce is concerned & which Supreme Court cases established all of that, so if anyone has any questions about any of that, you have about 12 more hours before it's all completely out of my brain & i become an expert on the supposed "myths" of the free market economy for tomorrow's final

blessed.

In my limited vocabulary, that's the only word I can muster up to describe how I feel.

Utterly & abundantly blessed.

I got a call from my wonderful, and most favorite, director, Zoe Saba, today during which she informed me that my performance as Madame Pernelle in CSUB's production of Tartuffe had earned me a nomination to compete at Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival's Irene Ryan Acting Competition!

This is my second nomination, and, honestly, I couldn't be happier for a number of reasons.

First, this role of the crotchety grandma (who according to a lovely review from our new dean of Arts & Humanities was a blend of Hamlet's Polonius & The Importance of Being Earnest's Lady Bracknell) was not one that I chose or wanted, but was assigned to me because I was the best fit with who we had audition for the other roles. But along the rehearsal process, I, with the help of my lovely director, was able to explore and really play & discover this crazy Julia Childs/Nathan Lane a la Birdcage character, and I ended up really loving her.

Second, six months ago, I was stuck in a hospital bed wondering if I'd ever be able to act or do shows again. Even 8 weeks ago, when Zoe talked to me about being in the show and asked if I was healthy, I told her yes, but still felt that gnawing fear in the back of my mind that I really didn't know if I was going to get sick again somewhere down the line of the rehearsal or performance process. Yet after all the ER trips, hospital stays, doctor visits, and fears, I was able to perform again. I was able to do what I love and what, I feel, God created me to do. And, not only that, but I was recognized for the talents God's given me & rewarded for them.

So naturally, when my dad brought up the fact that it was so wonderful seeing me up on stage doing what I love rather than stuck writhing in a hospital bed, I started tearing up, simply because of this entry's namesake...

I felt blessed.

So extremely blessed and joyous that God has given me so, so much.

Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
-john 16:22-

♥
mjl.

as i said before, i'm grotesquely sentimental...

alright, it's official: i was born in the wrong time period and color saturation.

it's clear to me now that i was obviously supposed to live in a romantic, black & white film that they show on repeat on Turner Classic Movies.

Now just picture me in place of Julie Andrews (;
i like to think of myself as a stoic, proud, and emotionless robot, so indulging in romantic, old, war films is as close to love as i feel like i may ever get, and that's alright with me. because, honestly, rather than thinking of the depressing state in which love and romance seem to have fallen, i'd like to live with the romanticized notion that the man with whom i fall in love will be a James Garner, Carey Grant, or Jimmy Stewart-type, that each quarrel we fight will be costumed in billowing trench coats & fedoras, dreamily lit by a dimly glowing lamp post, our words nearly drowned out by the rain pouring dramatically in the background, barely covering the dull roar of the plane that threatens to carry one of us away, and all of it finally resolved by a kiss which will be accompanied by the amorous flow of beauty and passion that is released by the simple stroke of bow to violin string.

is that too much to ask?

affectionately yours,
mjl.

Alles Gute Zum Geburtstag Faj!!!

I forgot to mention, today is my faj's birthday!!
52 years ago today, in Manhattan, KS, my faj was the brave little fetus that could that navigated his way through the birth canal & became born...YAY!! Happy birthday, daddy! I love you!

mjl.

to sleep, perchance to dream

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do? I don't mean typical bucket list shenanigans like sky diving, Rocky Mountain climbing, and all that jazz that country music folk sing about, but rather, what unfinished business, if any, would you attend to? Is there someone you need to apologize to? Forgive? Tell someone something that you've been holding onto but could never quite bring yourself to say out loud?

Last night I had a dream that, for whatever the reason may have been, my dad was privy to the knowledge that my entire, immediate family was going to be with Jesus (not necessarily in a "we're all going to die a sudden death" sense, but more like "The Last Battle"/Narnia/Elijah sense where we were just going to leave this world behind & go to Heaven with God). This was accompanied by the stipulation that we all had one day to get our things in order before we had to leave.

Now, were I an allegorical Everyman of Medieval proportions, I may have tried to gather up my good deeds & what not and prepare my case for St Peter & his Book O' Life at the Pearly Gates, however, being the sensible little Lutheran that I am, I think even my dream self understood that faith in Christ & his grace are all I'll need. And besides, obviously I already knew I was going to be with Jesus, so the fear of the actual departure from this world to Heaven wasn't really a pressing issue.

But I digress...

I then found myself in a huge house that was seemingly overrun by nearly everyone with whom I've ever done theatre. As everyone frantically scrambled around with costumes & set pieces in hand, I stood in the midst of the chaos, overcome, not so much by the fear of death or leaving this world behind, but by the fact that I had about a dozen of those damn, proverbial albatrosses hanging around my neck like some God-forsaken sea mariner straight out of a sophomore Lit. class; each albatross had a name & a confession that my stoic & rejection-phobic nature had been diligently hiding away over the years.
(Just to clear things up, there were no actual dream fowls of symbolism hanging about my neck...just the staggering weight of untold confessions...and only about 3 or 4, though it felt like a dozen)

As I watched the familiar faces of my fellow actors pass me by, the stress and fear of actually finding the few with whom I knew I needed to speak was overwhelming. As much as I knew I needed to get those feelings off my chest, the prospect of facing these people to do it was terrifying.

The first person I needed to find came quickly, and, as it turned out, the thing I needed to say to this person was not painful at all. I found him sitting on the ground, but as soon as I finally made my way over to him, I felt myself being pulled away to find the next, harder confessee (? Person to whom I needed to confess) so I quickly shouted, "I've always cared about you!" He looked up, slightly confused, yet somehow content, as I was pulled away. Honestly, I'm not sure why my dream self wanted to say that to this particular person, but oh well, such is dream life.

The next person was the hardest I would have to face. Whatever was moving me pulled me outside of the house and into the front yard where I saw him, or rather the person playing him, standing. For, you see, the person I saw before me looked nothing like the young man I was looking for, but somehow I knew it was him. I couldn't tell you who exactly he did look like because he seemed to be made up of features from several young men I've known, most of whom have had little to no lasting significance on my life.
So I tried to approach this strange looking man, who I knew was the person I needed to talk to, but was obstructed from doing so by several actors who jumped in front of me, demanding an explanation to the rumors they'd heard about me leaving for someplace far away the next day. After pushing them aside & promising them an explanation later I finally made my way to the young man. Now, if you knew what my dream self wanted to say to this young man (& taking into account the fact that I only had one day left on Earth), you'd understand why it was so hard for me to confront him. And, were I a braver soul, I might divulge what my dream self did say, but, seeing as this confession lay just a little too close for comfort to some of my real feelings, I'll leave it to your imaginations to think of something terribly witty or romantic or heart-breaking for my dream-self to say.
Now, because this confession did hit so close to home & did involve a lot of emotional gar-baj, I began to cry. As this happened, the young man began to get pulled away as I had been before so I blurted out, "Yes, I'm leaving for some place far away tomorrow, but I wanted you to know, before I left, that *insert your imaginary response for what I might have said*!!" At my saying this, the young man stopped & he too began to cry, but, much to my horror, he had been pulled out into the busy street where he was nearly hit by a car, but was pulled out of the way just in time. (bizarre, I know, but I don't choose the dreams, I just experience them)

Thankfully, I woke up after that fiasco, a little disappointed that I wasn't able to find my last couple of people to whom I owed a talk, but relieved nonetheless that it was all just a dream. (the other confessions also hit too close to reality for me to reveal what/whom they were concerning, so feel free to use your imagination once again)

So what's the moral of this story? Could it be a sign from God that I need to let these people in my life know my true feelings for them? Or is it simply a sign that I probably shouldn't preface my bedtime with Talladega Frights, some melatonin, and an MTV2 marathon of Viva la Bam? Either way, it definitely got me thinking about what unfinished business I would tie up if I knew I were going to be with my savior tomorrow, which, if nothing else, has provided me with material for this crazy blog entry. So, hopefully you too have now been provoked into thinking about the morbid fact of life that is your impending death, how you're going to spend the rest of your life, and how you'll treat the people in it.

until next time,
mjl.

adieu, summer vacation, adieu

Summer vacation is almost over, to which I would like to respond with loud and resounding boo's and hisses. Were I to watch the change in seasons on a stage, I would undoubtedly be throwing my rotten cabbages and tomatoes at the poor techie changing the scene from the boiling hot, lazy days of August into the slightly less boiling hot, busy school days of September. This would be followed by a diva tantrum in which I storm out of the theatre & demand a refund for the garbage I was just forced to sit through.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm actually kind of looking forward to school. It'll be nice to have something to do besides sitting at home cleaning, watching tv, or reading (not that I don't love doing those things, it'll just be nice to have a change).

As I look back on my summer, however, I realize that this has been both one of the most uneventful and eventful summers of my life. Very paradoxical, non?

Uneventful in the fact that I went practically nowhere except my aunt and uncle's beach house in Morro Bay, which, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love going to, and did practically nothing, which was also kind of wonderful because I read over 20 books, including The Bible :D, and got through 6 seasons of 24 with my family. So uneventful was not necessarily a bad thing, especially when you consider the super eventfulness that happened at the beginning of my summer...

So, as most of you all remember (if you don't, feel free to scroll down the page a bit and look at my last blog entry), I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease this past May.
**UPDATE**
Apparently, some of my more recent blood tests were negative for Crohn's and suggest that I do actually have Colitis. UGH! Make up your freaking mind already! I don't really care either way because the symptoms and treatments are pretty much identical, so it's pretty much a six of one, half a dozen of the other type ordeal. My mom still wants me to go down to UCLA Medical at some point though to see if the specialists down there can figure out what exactly I have.

So yeah, going back to my earlier comments about summer...it was really nice having such a relaxing summer after the first couple months of it being filled with hospital stays and doctor visits.

But really, this whole ordeal has been kind of a blessing. I mean, it sucked having to lose my role in two different shows I'd been cast in, and obviously staying in the hospital for so long is not ideal, but having this disease has really made me a stronger person and strengthened my faith and relationship with my Heavenly Father.

And really, you have to strengthen up when you go through things like this because if you let all the negatives get you down, then your life is going to be utterly miserable.

Not that I can even compare my situation to Job's in the slightest, but one can't deny his archetypal position of authority in history when it comes to keeping faith in the face of suffering, so I'm going to reference him. After being told by his "friends" that he was only going through tremendous pain & suffering because of his own sins & questioning why he kept in the faith, he responds, "Will you argue the case for God? Would it turn out well if he examined you? Keep silent and let me speak; then let come to me what may. Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."

I think that is definitely one of the hardest things to ever remember in times of trouble...EVER! Cause honestly, no one wants to go up to the person who allows something bad to happen and kiss them gently on the forehead. It's not going to happen. Yet we are called to continue to love and praise our Heavenly Father even when bad things are happening around us.

Now, granted, when it comes to things like people murdering each other, that's not of God (even though people like to say it's God's fault for "letting it happen"). He created us with free will, and with that comes the consequence and possibility of people who will use that free will for naught. You can't have your free will and eat it too.

But when it comes to stuff like what I went through...medical problems...it gets a little more difficult. It was really easy to question God at first & wonder why he was letting me get really sick & have to lose some amazing roles in the shows I'd been cast in, but now that I've gone through it all (or at least, the worst part, so they tell me), I can honestly say that I'm grateful to God for allowing me to have this disease.

I feel like I've grown so much in my level of maturity, my appreciation of life, and my faith, and if my experiences with being sick can affect one person in a positive way, then that would make those weeks in the hospital all worth it. Maybe my being sick will allow me to have a conversation with someone at some point in which the Holy Spirit may use me & shine his love into that person's heart...or maybe my colitis will have no effect on anyone else whatsoever...I don't know, and, honestly, I suppose it doesn't really matter because, whatever the case, God has already used this disease to help me grow in such tremendous and wonderful ways.

Alright, enough about my colon...let's get back to the topic at hand which was saying auf wiedersehen to my summer vacation. It's been fun, and we should definitely do it again sometime real soon.

big kisses,
mjl.

sick

Hello my loverly readers! It is I, your fearless blogger, back from the proverbial dead of not having written in this poor, neglected weblog in ever so long.
Now, I'm sure you're probably asking yourself,
"Self? Why has this little blogger spent such an inordinate amount of time away from indulging in the wonderfully fulfilling narcissism that is writing about oneself in a blog?"
Well, my dears, the answer is quite simple.
I have been caught in an epic battle of Odyssean proportions between myself and a lovely little disease called Crohn's.

I was going to write some long, drawn out explanation of everything that's been going on with me & my intestines, but I'm thinking the bulleted, highlights version may be an easier read, so here we go.

- May 10-13: hospitalized in Memorial.
- found out GoLytely is the most vile liquid known to all living species
- had a colonoscopy
- was told I had Ulcerative Colitis (an Irritable Bowel Disease that makes you feel really sick after eating almost anything & also causes small ulcers to appear on your colon)
- found out that if you accidentally lean on the nurse call button, they will respond right away, but if you actually are in dire need of something, the nurses will take their dear, sweet time getting back to you

- Weeks after Hospitalization
- felt great
- was able to eat food without feeling as sick as I had before
- was told I actually didn't have Ulcerative Colitis, but that my biopsy showed that I have Crohn's Disease (this was apparently a step up because the chances of me getting colon cancer decreased A LOT since Crohn's can incorporate ulcers & all that fun stuff all over your intestines rather than just in a concentrated party in your colon)
- started getting sick again
- started getting REALLY sick
- started getting so sick that everything that went into my mouth (food, water, etc) was being vomited back out within a matter of minutes
- was admitted to two different ERs twice within a few days because of fever spikes, vomiting, and the most randomly awful neck spasm that Amy thought may have been meningitis (...thankfully, it wasn't)
- was admitted to the ER once more, but rather than getting to go home after 6 hrs like the other times, was told that I would have to be admitted to the hospital

- June 2-11: hospitalized in Mercy (on Truxtun)
- had Barium Swallow, Endoscopy, and several more blood tests done to try & figure out what was wrong with me
- was finally put on Prednisone steroids since the inflammation in my intestines was too much to be treated by Asacol
- went through 3 different roommates (lady who was gone within my first night there, Swamp Monster, and black lady whose entire Huxtable family came to visit)
- went through a cycle of nausea, fatigue, and a brief fever spike every morning followed by feeling fine in the afternoons & evenings, only to have the same process repeat the next day
- mom argued with on-sight physician who wanted to let me go home early even though they didn't know why my temperature kept spiking...things got ugly
- Infection specialist had to be called in to see if she could figure out what was wrong...more tests followed
- got a new GI (thank God) who has the coolest British accent
- it was finally decided that my fever spikes were just byproducts of Crohn's disease & that I could carry on at home since my nausea and vomiting had gone away...HOORAY!


So that pretty much sums up the end of my junior year/beginning of my summer...got to run...more to follow.

mjl.

blah blah blah

I've written a poem in honor of Keh-Dollar Sign-Huh.



*A tiny black stage in a near empty coffee house. A spotlight downstage left. Nothing lit but a mic, a stool, and a pair of bongo drums. Missy emerges from the darkness, dressed in nothing but a black beret...a black turtleneck...black scarf...black gloves, black pants, and black boots...but nothing else. She inhales. And begins.*

A voice that speaks on behalf of the millions of trashy, white, female, homeless rappers, who have been kept silent for too long.
Silenced no more.
*bangs bongo drums*
Speak Ke$ha.
*hits bongo*
Speak for your people.
*hits bongo twice*
Brush those vodka-stained, diamond-injected whites with your Jack because he's the only reliable man in your life!
*grabs unseen bottle of Jack from behind stool and throws it into audience with a scream & a crash. somewhere, a child cries.*
And use your voice to speak those revolutionary words that your people need to hear!
"Blah."
*bongo hit*
"Blah."
*bongo hit*
"Blah."

*bongo solo and then silence. she rises. the audience snaps. she leaves the stage.*

Ok, so seriously. What's up with this chick? The only thing more annoying than her voice (which sounds like that little brat you're itching to slap who's been wailing & whining for the past ten minutes in the cereal aisle at Albertson's because the mom won't buy him/her some Lucky Charms), her hair (which perpetually looks like its just been vacated by a den of small to medium-sized woodland creatures), her solitary expression of a radiation-poisoned, dead-behind-the-eyes, fat child who's smushed his/her face up against the microwave to watch the frozen corn dogs one too many times, or the fact that she looks like she would smell like the inside of a County Fair dumpster, is her horrible excuse of lyrics. UGH! What is our world coming to?

mjl.

hello, health care

Well, you all knew this was coming.

It was really only a matter of time before I wrote some godawful-ly long blog ranting about the Health Care Reform Bill that was passed in Congress on Sunday, so since you all were expecting it, what kind of politically minded writer would I be if I dashed your poor hopes & dreams to the jagged rocks and didn't write one? :D

As with anything else that I write/say, please take it with a grain of salt as it is just my opinion (granted, an opinion that has been backed up by hours of studying and observing political analyses, polls, etc., but still an opinion nonetheless).

So, without further ado, and in the words of my dear friend, Mario, here we go...

Your Obamacare and You

**NOTE: This should only be read under the extremely unfortunate circumstances that a Socialist form of Health Care Legislation is passed in the United States without the consent of the American people**


My dear readers,

I had severely hoped that this letter would never have to be seen by the likes of your Socialist-ly virgin eyes since I know they have been so long treated to the da Vinci like beauty of a Federal Republic, but, alas, we now live in a time where things like democratic ideals and voters being represented by Congressmen & Senators who actually listen to their constituents (much like the Mullet fad & craze for Beanie Babies) are but fond and distant memories, and because of that, I must write this letter.

I'm writing to you now, not as a Republican, Democrat, Independent, nor Green Party or Tea Party member, but as a concerned American who does not like what she's seeing within the United States government. Why, you may ask, does she not approve of her government's actions? Well, my young rapscallion, this concerned voter has the crazy, head-in-the-clouds notion that elected officials should vote according to the needs and desires of the people that elected them. However, much like her childhood fantasies of becoming a mermaid or owning Disneyland, this too is turning out to be nothing more than a hopeful dream.

All politics aside, here are the facts, dear reader: the current, American health care system is broken, rising insurance premiums are getting out of hand, and too many people are taking advantage of Medicare & Medicaid--systems for which they may not even be paying, but I certainly am. That said, it is important to remember that this less than favorable health care system we currently possess is a "break". Not a cancerous or gang green-infested limb that needs to be hacked off immediately in order to save the entity, but a break. Now, like any fractured foot, arm, or leg, a break takes time to heal, often more time than the injured entity is comfortable with, but I think we can all agree that taking the time and enduring the pain of the healing process makes for a stronger entity in the end.

That is how I think health care should have been handled. Not with an impatient doctor who jumps in to amputate the broken limb and replace it with a robotic one that he had really been hoping to try out cause it's what all the Europeans are doing, & he told his best friends that he would try it out, & did I mention people in Europe have them!!!1!!11!, but with one who is willing to take the time to figure out the best way to heal this fracture according to what the patient wants and needs.

Our elected officials were placed into office for no other reason than to represent and vote on behalf of the constituents that put them there. So when a majority of Americans say that they too do not want their broken limb hacked off & replaced needlessly, the elected officials should do their ONLY JOB and vote accordingly.

But, as stated before, things like this only exist in Missy's dream world. In the real world, over 80% of Americans are content with the health care/insurance they have, and rather than the government taking the time to figure out a way to help regulate insurance companies and cover the remaining minority of Americans without insurance/heath care, they write 1,000+ pg bills that many of them will not read, but will try to shove through Congress as fast as they can.

What's the rush?

Going back to the broken limb analogy...If our patient has a broken foot, but has also been diagnosed with cancer, one would hope that the treatment of the cancer would take presidence to the fracture. With that said, THERE ARE WORSE PROBLEMS PLAGUING AMERICA THAN OUR CURRENT HEALTH CARE SYSTEM!

We are in the middle of a trillion dollar deficit! We are in debt up to our eyebrows and unemployment rates continue to rise, even though our President promised at the beginning of his term that he would help create more jobs. But I suppose that's not saying much since he's also set about half a dozen completely unyielding, totally for-sure-we're-doing-it-this-time dates to remove our troops from Afghanistan. So when he tells us that we get to keep our own insurance plans with this bill or that his Executive Order to strike public funding of abortions from it will stand, we should believe him with unflinching devotion because he is an honest politician, and ALL of is promises in the past have totally been upheld.

Anyways...

Over the past two years, I have had to watch friend after friend and family member after family member lose their homes and jobs, yet this administration dares to put us into even more debt by forcing a TRILLION DOLLAR health care bill on us! And the lie that spending a trillion+ dollars on health care for all Americans will somehow save us money in the long run is complete and utter bullsh*t! (Pardon my French, young readers)

But I digress...

Even if it is only the humble opinion of this writer that the trillion dollar deficit and rising unemployment rates are problems that deserve immediate attention rather than a broken health care system, the majority of Americans have said that they do not want universal health care. Therefore, this should have been reflected in the way that Congress voted, BUT IT WASN'T!

And not only were the constituents who placed these Congressmen in office ignored, but the bill that they didn't want passed is not even constitutional!

Amendment X of the United States Constitution:
"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

NOWHERE in the Constitution is the federal government delegated the right to force its citizens to buy something whether they want it or not & then penalize them should they choose not to buy it. Yet, according to this bill, non-participating patients who continue to pay for the insurance they currently have (like people, like my family, who are insured through Blue Cross--one of the groups that the gov't will force patients out of-- or any other insurance group with HMO's) will be fined, as well as patients who don't want what the government is forcing them to pay for or would rather pay for more health care than what the government is willing to provide.

UGH!

This whole thing is so infuriating. It is this writer's humble opinion that due to the fact that the wants and needs of the majority of Americans were completely ignored and the fact that this 1000+ page bill (which by the way is so cryptically written that it could very well be selling West Virginia to China to help pay off our debt & our congressmen wouldn't even know because it's so chalk full of double negatives & redirecting clauses) was forced through Congress with such needless haste, that this administration does not, in fact, give a sh*t about helping America's health care system, but cares only about its own party's agenda and the fact that getting Public Health Care has been the long-desired feather in the cap of the Democratic party for years. Not to say that today's Republicans are guilt-free when it comes to being cowardly puppets of the Party rather than the people, but that is a topic that should be saved for another letter.

What's going on right now within our federal government is a mockery of what our legislative system should be, and it is the responsibility of the American public to remind their officials what exactly their jobs entail and who it was that put them in office in the first place.

Alas, I am called away and can write no longer, my dear reader, so I leave you with the hopes and prayers of concerned Americans like myself who beseech you to rise up and refuse to be trampled under such oppressive governmental actions.

Until then,
mjl.

mas

moooooooooore pictures of my mediocre endeavors in the world of artistry. enjoy! (or vomit at their atrociousness...just don't tell me if you do the latter)






♥
mjl.

just a minute, mr. postman

Two more dress rehearsals until we open Theatre of New Voices 2010! Two more! ahhhhhh!



This year promises a decent crop of shows, unlike TNV 2008 in which I acted rather than directed, mainly because the four plays were written by two of my dearest friends who happen to be extremely talented writers. I'm directing "Please, Mr. Postman", written by Jess, and starring Mr. Justin Thompson & Ms. Emily Candia. Last night's run still left some stuff to be desired, but overall I'm very pleased with how my actors have been doing and have no doubts that Thursday's opening will be utterly magical.

Working on TNV this year really has been a great experience (I say that now in the calm before the storm that is my mad-rush-to-finish-props-before-opening, so we'll see how I'm feeling in a couple of hours when the white spray painted props aren't drying fast enough (; ). I mean, don't get me wrong, I love acting, and watching these dress rehearsals each night just make me even more antsy to get onstage and perform, but it's also reminded me why I wanted to try directing in the first place.
(Here's my beautiful cast (: )

Working with Justin & Emily as they find and strengthen the connections between their characters and themselves feels so cool! Like, one rehearsal in particular, my actors started crying after an exercise I had them try concerning good & bad memories; it was sad but also kind of awesome. Watching my actors truly connect with something real onstage is really a beautiful thing, and I have loved getting to be a part of their journeys.

I had said earlier, while writing my cast bio, that I was BSing the whole thing, as is custom, by saying I felt "blessed to have been granted this opportunity", but thinking back on what I've learned and felt during this past month and a half of directing "Postman", I really do feel very blessed, and I thank God for this opportunity. How many theatre students my age get to play lead roles, create original characters, write plays that actually have a chance to be produced, and direct shows for the public on a pretty much monthly basis? I think that as much as we all complain about CSUB and Bakersfield, we really are blessed with such wonderful opportunities to be able to take part in nearly every aspect of theatre as opposed to if we went to a bigger performing arts university where we'd be more likely to be shoved aside. So, all BSing aside, thank you, Lord, for letting me direct in this year's One Act Festival; it really has been wonderful.

mjl.

oh! and another thing....

Since I started taking this design class for theatre, I've been drawing a lot lately. I'm currently working on this one picture of Twiggy that I really love, but until I finish that one & put it up, here's one I did recently for the actual class.

The picture is from a Chanel advert that I absolutely love & I'm actually kind of proud of the way it turned out. I'll hopefully be posting more soon.


♥
mjl

do you ever wonder...

why you let some people in your life? Like, obviously, we can't help a lot of the crazies that we encounter (and I encounter a lot), BUT there are some people who we keep around & allow to become commonplace fixtures in our lives like an ugly orange lamp in the corner that you inherited from your great-grandma, but haven't had the heart to throw out. Well, I've recently been forced to do some spring cleaning & readjusting of the Myspace Top Friends list that is my life, and I actually feel surprisingly good about it.
Not good in a conventional way, but good like when you have a toothache that's been killing you for a long time & have to get it pulled, which hurts for a little bit, but then you feel a lot better & will be healthier in the long run...that kind of good.
So, yeah. My "toothache" is gone, and though it was a prolonged and painful effort to get rid of it, I feel so much better.

♥
mjl

well,

damn.



mjl.

berlin, ich liebe! ♥

The White Ribbon won Best Foreign Film at the Golden Globes last night! Go Germany!!! ^.^

AAAAAAND, Christoph Waltz took home a Globe for his phenomenal performance in Inglorious Basterds (which, seriously, should've won...if not for Best Picture, than at least for writing or directing...I don't even like Quentin Tarantino that much, but he totally deserved it)

But, RDJ won for Sherlock Holmes, as he well should have. And Sandra Bullock, whose dress was BEAUTIFUL btw, won for Blindside...also well deserved.
Take that Julia...maybe next time you should focus more on accepting good movie roles rather than stumbling drunk down the red carpet.


*siiiiiigh* I love awards season.

mjl

for the moments i feel faint

So, I've never really understood the deep philosophical thought supposedly produced by the question "What is your purpose in life?" because, to me, my purpose has always been quite simple: spread the love of my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ.

Now, obviously, I fail at this purpose every single day, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is a little disheartening, to say the least. For instance, I'll be doing something that not only keeps me from achieving my purpose in life, but flat out goes against everything for which my purpose stands. And the worst part is I'll acknowledge this fact and then continue to do it anyway! It's so frustrating! It's like being morbidly obese, knowing that you need to lose weight, but then purposefully sabotaging yourself & your efforts to improve your life by indulging in crap that you know is bad for you. So, long story, short (too late, I know): my inadequacies of my own faith are often a major contributor to my feelings of consternation with myself and my life.

Bypassing my little tangent, and returning to my original point: my purpose in life is to spread the love of God. I know this. So one of my daily prayers is for God to use me in whatever way He can to achieve His purpose, which, coincidentally, is very similar to mine (: (aka sharing His unending love with His creation).

Now, sometimes it feels like God is denying me this reiterated request, which wouldn't really make sense, except for the fact that when I look back at my life, I clearly see that He has granted me soooooooo many opportunities to share His love & word, but I totally blow it. This happens either by me being too scared to speak up about it or me being too stupid to recognize it.
Then I also realize that perhaps I'm not being granted as many opportunities because I'm coming at this from a selfish angle. For instance, there are honestly few things in this world that make me more ecstatic than someone coming to Christ, and if I had any part in their journey, as the New Yorker's say, fuhgeddaboudit!
I go crazy! It's truly a feeling that I can't put into words because the happiness it evokes within me can't really be covered by all caps, exclamation points, or a whole bunch of "e"s in "reeeeeeeeeally happy". But although I should totally feel that happiness when I find another brother or sister in Christ, it's not my victory, and I think I sometimes forget that I really have no part in what goes on with someone's spirit: it's all God. If He chooses to work through me somehow, then it's not me, but Him.
Like one of my favorite verses says, "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." (1 corinthians 15:10)

So all of that basically adds up to me not being able to share God's love as effectively as I could be, due to my own shortcomings, and, as I've said before, this has been really disheartening. However, I just got a wonderful reminder tonight, via a note from a friend, that God can literally work through anything & anyone (even without his/her knowledge). He uses me even when I haven't the slightest inkling that I'm being used! And, honestly, I'm kind of feeling that joy right about now :D

So, whenever I'm feeling stressed because of school/family/relationship/work/friend drama, someone PLEASE remind me that God is always at work in my life, even if I can't see it or feel the immediate results.

Amen & Amen :D
mjl

youth is wasted on the young people

Here are some pictures of Jess & I after our Stage Makeup class today on Old People makeup (:

It's quite fitting seeing as, only yesterday, we were discussing how we already share the same demeanors as old, cynical, British men, like Sir Ian McKellen, since our tolerance for stupidity is getting dangerously lower all the time.

So, in case you were wondering what Jess & I may look like when we get older (who WOULDN'T want to know that?? :P), here ya go (:

♥
mjl

goodbye, my almost lover

Ugh! I hate that at one moment, I feel like this...
"Nor can thy shame give physic to my grief
Though thou repent, yet I have still the loss:
The offender's sorrow lends but weak relief
To him that bears the strong offence's cross."
(Sonnet XXXIV, William Shakespeare)

and the next I feel like this...
"No more be grieved at that which thou hast done:
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud:
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this"
(Sonnet XXXV, William Shakespeare)

I repeat...UGH! Well...at least Shakespeare felt the same way.
Pray for me to find permanent peace of mind in this whole thing...please & thank you!

♥
mjl.


"We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me...images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images...no

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

- "Almost Lover", A Fine Frenzy ♥

c'mon get happy

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C.S. Lewis

amen.
mjl

"Have I been so long with you, & yet hast thou not known Me?"

Guten Tag, my lovelys!

So, as I was reading my morning devotional by the illustrious & extremely well-versed, Oswald Chambers (I ♥ that name...totally sounds made up, haha), I came across an explanation of his on what a truly intimate relationship with Christ is like, which seemed particularly appropriate since I was having such trouble explaining it in previous blog entries. Anywho, here's what Os had to say...

"When one gets intimate with Jesus we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic. The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way, because the last abyss of his nature has been satisfied by Jesus.
The only impression left by such a life is that of the strong calm sanity that Our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him."

my new year's resolution, among some others, is to grab hold of & sustain a more intimate relationship with our loving Creator. (:

amen & amen.

mjl.


postscript...the title verse of the day is brought to you by the letter, J! As in John 14:9! Woo hoo! (;

♥

"My eager desire & hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever, I may do honour to Christ in my own person by fearless courage."

philippians 1:20


♥
mjl

should old acquaintances be forgot?

happy happy new year
from all of us to you!
we wish it was our new year
so we could party too!
HEY!

Hello 2010!

I hope I don't seem forward, but you look like you're going to be a fantastical year full of even more random and wonderful adventures than the last.

So here's to you!

La'Chaim! Salud! And God bless!


♥
mjl.